


can't say never.

by orphan_account



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Lesbian AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:07:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jan is Jackie’s vocal coach, and they are both trying to get into the same performance masters program.
Relationships: Jan Sport/Jackie Cox
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	can't say never.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the prompt "Don't Cry", from over at my tumblr!

You really _shouldn’t_ be in love with your vocal coach.

It’s like an old New York rule of thumb, never sleep where you shit kind of rule, but Jackie’s tired of following the rules long before she finds herself in a one-bedroom apartment paying four-digit rent, so when Jan all but sashays into her life, she doesn’t have it in her to think beyond how she feels higher than those trilling whistle notes when they’re together.

Jan might be her teacher, but she’s _older,_ right?

Jan’s last birthday made her old enough to drink, and Jackie’s last birthday only made her acutely aware that she couldn’t drink past seven in the evening, and still expect to wake up the next day.

So she must be in control, or so she wants desperately to _think._

Jackie’s the one who guides Jan’s soft, warm hands exactly where to touch, listens and clucks softly when she says that she’s always wanted to know what it’s like to be with a woman. Jan’s been a go-getter since birth, her intention clear as crystal and her drive a singular pinprick of light at the end of a needle, leaving little time, or room in her life for romance. She’s not prudish, or inexperienced; but Jackie knows her- well enough to know that she craves love she doesn’t have words for yet, looking for something that she’ll only understand after she’s been around the block.

Jackie wants to show her the whole world, finds herself obsessed with those little giggles and the wide grin that’s always painted with grape-flavoured lip gloss.

It’s by the miracle of fate that they’re applying into the same Master’s program in Vocal Performance, and pure serendipity that Jackie pulls Jan’s number from an ad taped to a streetlamp beside the subway entrance.

“We’re technically competition.”, Jackie reminds her one day, after their lesson, while Jan locks the door to the studio she rents with cash and a little wink in the landlord’s direction; a soaring ceiling where Jackie, whose pitch is only perfect in her dreams, floats a scale and understands perfectly the notes that Jan leaves in the margins of her sheet music.

Jan shakes her head, blonde hair bouncing over her shoulders.

“Nah. _I love you._ No competition there.”

* * *

Today, Jackie is sitting across from Jan at the slab of wood that doubles as both her dining room and living room table, her painted nails tapping on the chipped finish while Jan retrieves a knife from her kitchen, the air between them crackling with a thin, exhausted kind of late-night excitement.

Their letters had arrived; a blue and green envelope that Jackie had crumpled to shove into her purse, so excited she had nearly missed her stop on the train over, a sharp contrast to Jan’s, pristine and flat on the table, held in place by a glass of wine she’d poured greeting Jackie at her door.

Jan slices through the thick cardstock, ripping Jackie’s envelope open at its fraying edges before she hands it to her; eyes bright and big and sparkling.

“I know you got in.”, she laughs, and Jackie can’t help but smile, a final wave of nervousness washing over her when she reaches into the envelop and pulls out a single, cream sheet of paper that changes the entire roadmap of her future. Her eyes furiously skim the page, skipping past a lengthy preamble to the one, bolded word in all caps that makes months and years of tears and work all worth it: _Accepted._

“ _I...- I did._ ”, she repeats, blinking up at Jan in joyful shock. “ _I got- I got in._ ”

She squeals, bouncing into Jackie’s lap, nearly screaming with excitement.

“I knew it, _I knew it_. Oh my God, see, I told you!” Jackie can’t stop herself, pressing an eager kiss into the side of Jan’s neck.

“Okay, your turn.” Her fingers hungrily snatch up the envelope, barely remembering to lift her wineglass, breath warm on Jackie’s cheek.

Or maybe, Jackie’s just warm and static; floating with so much happiness that she can’t wait to share it with Jan once they’re both sure that they’ll be sharing a classroom studying musical theory; beside each other on bleachers mounted to a stage, in the fall.

“Jackie-“

“Yes, baby?”

Jan’s breath sucks in; her lips frozen when Jackie can hear something choking in the back of her throat. The pause lasts for a moment too long, trapping them in a bubble of a moment that pops when time seems to start running again, Jan sputtering words so fast Jackie has to blink a few times before her brain rewinds to the right speed, and she gets it.

“ _I didn’t-_ “

“What?”

“ _I’m not in- the_ \- I didn’t get in.”

Jackie grabs the letter away from her, shaking the paper like she can change the answer, like _We regret to inform you_ will rearrange into that perfect eight-letter word.

_“What, no- that can’t be right-“_

Except; Jan is quietly stuttering with half-shed tears, chest shaking as she tries to keep some composure at least, and Jackie can’t quite shake the feeling that their situations are supposed to be in reverse, that Jan is supposed to be the one who’s ecstatic, tempered only to comfort Jackie and tell her that there’s that elusive light on the other side, that tomorrow is brand new day to sort it all out in the morning, and besides, _what did a bunch old white guys know about talent to begin with?_

All those words are lost, though; promises falling flat while Jackie tries her best to salvage their night, letting Jan’s head rest on her chest, all but sobbing into her cardigan.

“Oh- Don’t cry. Jan, _baby_ \- c’mon- don’t.”

She heaves a huge, shaky breath; tears leaking from the corners of her eyes when she meets Jackie’s, fists clenched into the fabric of her sweater.

“What the fuck else am I supposed to do?”

“Oh, baby-“

It’s the truth.

She can’t argue with the perfect logic of one single moment of truth; Jackie, who’s always prided herself in knowing the answers to everything Jan asks, falls silent as defeated sobs fall into that fabric of her shirt.

Tonight, Jackie wraps her arms around Jan, and squeezes tight; quietly leads them to her bedroom where she trails her skin with soft kisses, lets her fall into a fitful sleep underneath a warm blanket, and lays awake to watch the sun rise; the city waking up in its own perfect harmony in time.

It’s in those hours; when tomorrow is a promise kept, that Jackie feels them begin to fall apart.

* * *

In the fall; Jackie clambers up the bleachers on the stage, taking her place beside a girl whose eyes still sparkle too brightly; and tries to keep herself from looking over, from catching that searching gaze with an encouraging smile, falling over and over again into the same pattern.

She swallows, arranging her sheet music on the stand.

Maybe today; she’ll answer the weeks-old messages Jan left on her phone; call her to hear her voice, when it’s not strained with desperation and disappointment.

If she’s feeling brave, Jackie could never forget the way to her apartment, the narrow sidewalk cut between two fire escapes, her walk-up door hidden behind an alley dumpster.

The piano accompaniment begins behind them, and Jackie knows, from the moment the first note leaves her lips, that she won’t do any of that; her attention turned to building something else entirely.


End file.
